A Note from LaTonya

Conflict has really been on my mind! I recently read the book Let ​This Radicalize You, in which the authors, Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba, devoted an entire chapter to it. They discussed activists giving up on each other, on organizing in community, because we don't agree on everything. It made me think about how much further we could go if we had the tools to stay in relationship even when every little thing isn't 100% aligned. It's also been on my mind because I'm realizing more and more how people don't have the tools to navigate conflict. We also don't connect with what's really going on.
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So that's the focus of this issue.

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And if you want to learn more about yourself in conflict, your style, and how you navigate it in leadership and in coaching, Coaching Below the Surface: A Leading Below the Surface Relational Coach Training addresses exactly this.
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I'm running an intimate demo gathering on this next week where you can experience what it looks like to coach and lead below the surface. You can register here. I hope to see you there.

This Issue's Reflection

I remember that day vividly. I was talking to a newer friend when I made a joke that she didn't appreciate. I was genuinely surprised. It was a joke that all of my friends had laughed at, sometimes profusely. Then I got in my head. Did I say something offensive? Was I being insensitive?

As the conversation went on, though, there were signs that it had nothing to do with me. Her reaction was almost irrational. It felt like a jerk response, the kind I recognize because I've had them myself.

When I feel threatened, I can go there too. Over the years I've learned to give myself time and space to avoid a fight-or-flight response, or at least to recognize when that's exactly what's happening. That awareness came from doing a lot of work on myself, not because I'm superior to anyone, but because I genuinely found it impossible to function without it.

I wasn't always this way. Back in corporate, I'd match energy in conflict. I remember one time voices were raised and I raised mine back. My body felt overstimulated, like I was going to overheat, so I got quiet and de-escalated. That moment changed my entire relationship with conflict.

Back to the joke. I apologized and asked how we could move forward. Her answer surprised me.

“I’m direct,” she said.

So I took her at her word and asked directly:
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“How do you want to handle conflict between us going forward?”

She laughed. Changed the subject. And that was that. When conflict came up again later, I soon realized that her approach to conflict was pretending as if nothing happened.

I grew up that way too. But it was no longer okay for me. That wasn’t going to work for me. And it didn’t. We grew apart.

But the reality is that our society encourages ghosting people when, in many situations (especially one like mine), all it takes is one thoughtful conversation to resolve a conflict. Mariame Kaba writes in Let This Radicalize You about activists who don't agree on one thing and decide to part ways. People are lonelier than ever. Would that be the case if we knew how to resolve conflict? What if we had the capacity to acknowledge what's really going on?
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I think about how much further we might be as activists, as friends, as families if we had the tools to stay in relationship even when it's hard. I'm not talking about situations involving abuse or harm. I'm talking about the relationships that could be expanding, even thriving, if we just knew what to do with the tension.

That's what this is about. How do we resolve conflict? How do we recognize what's really going on? What is repair, is it worth it, and what does it look like?
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What's Really Going On

A couple of years ago on a summer day, I reflected on relationship-breaking conflicts in my life. The types of relationships truly ran the gamut, ranging from romantic partners to work colleagues. I wanted to understand why some of them couldn't be salvaged.

I started with a very close friend. You know the saying: people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? I thought she would be in my life for a lifetime. We didn't have a lot of conflict while in the relationship, which is exactly why I didn't expect that just one could take us out. The conflict was about me "falling out of touch during a difficult time in her life."

It was a busy summer. I had lost a close family member, moved, and we were in a pandemic. One day I realized I hadn't talked to her in over a month, so I reached out and invited her on a friend date. Not only did she take a day to respond, but the response was scathing. My chest tensed up as I read her reply:
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Why did I abandon her?
Why hadn't I called?
What happened?

I didn't have all the tools I have now. So I did what I usually did. Since it was over text, I had a fight-or-flight response. In my mind, I was being scolded. I felt both disregarded and disrespected. But I didn't fan the fire. I responded like I thought it was a misunderstanding, and assumed things would go back to normal.

I wrote: "I'm sorry. I have had a lot going on this summer. I didn't think it was a big deal as I didn't hear from you. This isn't atypical for us to go a few weeks. Please know that if you ever need me, I will always answer a call or text."

Then crickets. I texted again a week later. Nothing. I won't get into the details, but let's just say it was very unpleasant before it was officially over.

That summer day, I revisited it. I asked myself: what was really going on? With me? With her?

I can't speak for her, but I noticed a few things. First, that jerk reaction, as if my reaching out triggered something. And then I realized she had already shut down weeks before that conversation even happened.

So what was really going on?

I'll share another case study to help answer that.

I was working with a business partner. I was excited about launching a new offering and asked for their support. At first I thought the offering was going to need more than it actually did, so I asked them to handle the administrative and back-office work. The idea was that as the product grew, we might even grow our partnership.

But a few months in, I realized the product wasn't going to be what I thought. We had pivoted quite a bit, and the market was different from what I anticipated. This launch would require more internal team support than anything else. So I told them I'd be scaling back. We had that conversation live, and I offered them a smaller, more finite way to stay involved. They said they understood. But their actions said differently. I didn't hear from them, and the finite way to stay engaged, passed.

This time, that wasn’t the end of the story. A few months later, they sent me a long note saying I had really hurt their feelings and that they felt left behind. I had no idea. I thought it was just a pivot and they would understand. I had the conversation with care. I genuinely didn't see it coming.

So what does this tell us about what's really going on in conflict?

Here is what to consider:

1. The conflict probably has nothing to do with you. You triggered something. In the business partner situation, they had an expectation I never promised.
2. Something from the past may be driving the reaction. The response is rarely just about the moment in front of you.
3. It takes a lot to tell people what really happened, even when you don't fully agree. It took my business partner months and real effort to send that note.
4. The person is hurt.

But many people never send the note. They ghost. Why? Because they don't have the tools to deal with conflict, or they don't see the relationship as worth investing in. It's hard to know which one without them telling you, so at some point, you have to make peace with not knowing. Even when I narrow it down, I think: at least I know it's one of these.
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Staying Whole While Staying Connected

Whenever we navigate conflict, we have to make sure we stay rooted. That means showing up fully and honestly, saying what needs to be said, being quiet when quiet is what's needed, and connecting deeply with ourselves when the moment calls for it. Staying whole isn’t easy. But it’s the only way to prevent losing yourself in the process of trying to repair something with someone else.

Two frameworks I come back to in every conflict:

REAL as your compass

As an OG Leading Below the Surface approach, REAL is my compass in conflict. When I'm in it, when emotions are high and I'm not sure what to do next, I come back to these four questions:

Relatable: Am I actually trying to understand where this person is coming from, or am I just waiting to be understood myself? Am I trying to “win” or understand where people are coming from?

Equitable: If I hold more power in this relationship (as a manager, a senior colleague, an elder, etc) am I being fair? Am I using that power to create safety or to win?

Aware: Did I slow down enough to really understand what's happening here? Not just the surface of it, but what's below it?

Loyal: Am I willing to trust the process, and this relationship, enough to work toward repair?

That last question is the one that matters most. Because if the answer is no, you have a different decision to make.

Compost or repair?

In a previous issue, I wrote about the difference between composting and repairing a relationship. Not every rupture is meant to be fixed. Some relationships have run their course. This isn’t because anyone is a bad person, but because the season has ended. When something composts, it doesn't disappear. It breaks down and becomes the ground for something new. Sometimes that means space for a different kind of relationship to grow and evolve. Other times, it means more space opens up for you.

But composting is a conscious choice, not a default. Ghosting isn't composting. Avoidance isn't composting. Real composting means you've sat with the REAL questions, you've been honest with yourself, and you've decided intentionally, honestly, and with integrity that repair isn't the path forward right now.

If your answer to Loyal is yes, then you move toward repair. And that's where the next section comes in.

Moving Forward

So how do we actually do this?

I want to leave you with five questions. Notice that I’m not using steps, and this is intentional. Conflict isn't linear, and neither is repair. But questions you can return to whenever you find yourself in it. These can go in order or out of order.

1. What is really going on here both with them and with me?
2. What is the purpose of this relationship, and is it worth protecting?
3. How do I want to show up in this conflict, given what I know about myself?
4. How do we want to handle conflict together going forward?
5. What does repair look like for us, and are we both willing to do it?

That last question is the one my friend who said she was "direct" never answered. Not because she couldn't. But because no one had ever asked it before, and she didn't have a framework for what to do with it. I also have referred to this as designing relationships. I wrote about this in the Below the Surface relationships article (should I link)?

That's what below the surface work makes possible. Not perfect relationships. Not conflict-free lives. But the ability to stay in relationship with people even when it's hard, and to know the difference between a rupture worth repairing and one worth releasing.

We are at a moment where that distinction matters more than ever. The world needs people who know how to work it out.

Let’s Reflect

I've been reflecting on some of the conversations that I've been having with people lately. Two of them were coaches. One was having a hard time getting her clients to go deeper with her. And, even though she had all the credentials on top of a full-time internal coaching job, she didn't feel like a coach. I hear this more than you'd think. So, I did a podcast episode on what it looks like to stop marketing harder and to become a better coach. This also pertains to leaders who are spending all of their time networking, personal branding, and managing organizational politics for themselves, instead of becoming a better leader. I'm including the YouTube version here, but if you prefer audio, you can find the Leading Below the Surface podcast on your preferred podcast app.
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Journal Prompts

Take 10 minutes with one or all of these in your journal, notes app, or even voice recorder.

What is really going on here?​
Think of a current or recent conflict. Set aside what happened on the surface. What do you think was really going on?

What is the purpose of this relationship, and is it worth protecting?​
Not every relationship is meant to be repaired. But before you decide, get honest: what has this relationship meant to you? What would you lose if it ended? What would it look like if it evolved?

How do I want to show up in this conflict, given what I know about myself?​
What's your default conflict style? Does it serve you? What would it look like to choose differently this time?

How do we want to handle conflict together going forward?​
This is the question most people never ask. If you could design how conflict works in this relationship, what would you want it to look like?

What does repair look like for us, and are we both willing to do it?​
Repair isn't just an apology. What would real repair require from you? From them? And are you both actually willing to go there?

Book Insight

Chapter 6 of Leading Below the Surface is all about Becoming a Below the Surface Leader. A person who has the tools to interact below the surface to navigate conflict and create real connection within themselves and others. If you are still chewing on "what is really going on," I'd recommend going back to this chapter.

Upcoming Events

It's peak summer, so the only event I'd like to invite you to is our Demo Gathering late next week. Here's more information, including registration.

📅 July 31, 12pm CT | Hosted by Change Coaches

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Before You Go

I'd love to know — what sticky conflicts are you navigating right now? Are you facing it head-on, avoiding it, or somewhere in between? Hit reply and tell me. I read every response.

And, if you know someone struggling with a conflict, which I'm sure we all do, share this newsletter with them. Many approaches around conflict are tactical and don't consider what is really going on. They will really appreciate you thinking of them and providing a new way to look at things.

To meaningful work and real connection,

LaTonya
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Find me on the Leading Below the Surface Podcast and YouTube for more below the surface conversations. ​
​P.S. If this practice resonated with you, pass it on to someone who needs more space and structure to reflect. So many of us are craving exactly that right now — and finding fewer places that offer it. Let this become yours. And share it with someone who needs it too.